adventures in awesomeness

Hallo my brothers. Ohh last night was fun and goodtimes abounds! The Dears were in town and put on a rather enjoyable show as it were. It didn't hold the same frantic energy that I have come to expect and love from my precious Dears . . . perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Murray was sober, and therefore, had the capacity to stand up/remember his lines. I'm not going to lie, some of the magic was in the twinkle of drunken Murray's eye.





TO DA MOON!!!

hungry for the sun

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks in memory . . . it's been exhausting and cruel. I lost my cat this week, I had her for 19 years. She was my association of home . . . she's gone and with her that feeling of belonging and fit. I always told people that she was going to live forever and as silly as it sounds, I really had convinced myself that this was, in fact, a possibility.

I need something good to happen. Just a little kindness, that's all.

in view

Ohhh it's that dreadful time of midterm papers, and therefore, busyness abounds mon freres!! I have pretty much spent the last couple of weeks locked in academia and it's still not over. Fortunetely, thanks to some friends excellently timed birthdays it means a whole lot of drinking to numb the pain.



Oh ho ho, yes it was the schmeltie's birthday on Saturday which means that I was a drunken mess of awesomeness. Also maybe, it is michelle's birthday this coming Friday which means more birthday schnanagin fun! Fuck you acadamia, I have a new love, thy name is Gato Blanco Sauvignon Blanc and we are the best of friends. We wear snotty french berets and laugh at those who are not nearly as snotty as we are . . . and that, my friends, is a whole lot of muthafuckers!

Is it sad that I have managed to convince myself that since the Tragically Hip are coming to town within the week of my 22nd birthday, that is quite obvious that they are coming to town exclusively to celebrate the birth of me?! Could it be any more obvious!! The other 9,999 people that will see the Hip really are just lucky to join my brithday festivities! YAYA!

ADD isn't just for the hipster scum anymore! Neat!

this originates from the heart

So my mom has decided to nickname me "poot fruit" which is unsettling and creepy . . . it's derived from the phrase "fruit of my loins" and it's reason 1 bazillion hundred why my mom is the coolest muthafucker in the world.

I haven't posted in two weeks because I haven't done anything except for cram more Persian into my brain . . . oh that and I have developed an obsession with cutting my bangs. I've cut them 3 times in the last 2 days . . . I'll have a mullet by Saturday! Neat!

. . . I need a life.

At least I have Jason Collett on Friday and a bright mullet-alious future to look forward to this week! le sigh. Also maybe I will take photos at Jason Collett so that my site isn't riddled with photos of me. Alas, until that time I present you with this gem . . . BANGS!!!



Khodau Hafez bitches!!

yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Arrr ye salty landlubbers!! Today is me most favoritest dialetic day of all!! Oh ho ho it is "Talk Like a Pirate Day" . . . which for those sadly not in the know, it is a day to talk like a regular old scallywag! Neato! Pretty much a hardy goodtime is guaranteed on such a day, as well, it's an excuse to drinker like a bloody pisser. Je t'aime.



I really like this photo because I look the lamest pirate evah and I practically have a quasi-pirate mullet . . . if that doesn't scare the peg leg right off of you, I don't know what will. God I need a sodding haircut/money.

Fetch me rum WENCHES!!

lucky foot, other rabbit

HOLIPISS!! I got the latest Dears album, A Gang of Losers, and ohhh my friends, it is so very good. I think I've played it about eleven-billion times already . . . mostly though because it's a joyful way to block out the sound of raging hammers on my roof. Roof construction is like a modern form of Chinese water torture . . . pretty much every half-an-hour or so my head explodes with rage and I shake my fist at the sky like a crotchety old man. Curse those meddling hammers I say!

Also maybe, since I have a blissful day off I have decided to treat myself to some Asian cinema goodtimes at the Metro cinema complete with a dash of back row creepiness. I need to buy myself a Warhol-esque wig so to complete my vision of pure back row perverseness. Ha! Jealous! Seriously, I will be the best of friends with Hiroshi Teshigahara and his avant-garde Japanese cinema and we will eat pocky and giggle and whatevs. Neat!

the zombie christ

So after a weekend of drunken debotchery and awesomeness abounds, I have returned to lovely academia. Oh ho ho, it shall be a semester of nerdy goodtimes with courses in Persian, human rights, globalization and Asian popular cinema . . . JOY!!! J'aime le ecole. Ohh my brothers, I love Persian because I get extra credit just for watching Kiarostami films . . . it feels the same to my heart as if someone agreed to pay me to play Zelda. That would be muthafucking amazing! Amazing I say!!

Seriously, I will start accepting offers for the Zelda AND I will throw in my friendship to sweeten the deal. It's a two-for-one in sheer Christmas Day miracles!!

Also of interest, is the fact that ever since the blessed Croc Hunter, Steve Irwin, met his untimely death, I have been having zombie nightmares. Every night the dreams become more disturbing and zombie-ridden, of which, has lead me to one conclusion . . . Steve Irwin is the sweet zombie messiah!!

Lord have mercy!

i heart nyc

Ladies and gents, I give you New York City . . . it's filthy and wonderful and I miss it terribly. Le sigh.

i want to grow up to be the harbinger of the apocalypse

Oh my muthafucking god!! Space Ghost is on right now!! SPPPPPAAAAACEEEE GHOOOOSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!11! My heart is exploding with glee right now as we speak . . . especially because it has Zorac's nephew Raymond, the lone Mantus of the Apocalypse. Amazing! Basically, it completes a wonderfully bizarre day which included me attending Sabbath dinner, of which, was awkward/fun as I am not Jewish and knew no one there . . . however, they were all drunk so I fit in just fine. Oh ho ho, shalom indeed!

total eclipse of the heart

I am an excited girl as the new Vogue fall fashion edition is out. This of course means I will be spending the next couple of hours pouring over the delicate pages of Vogue and my head exploding with glee!! I miss New York. I miss Miu Miu and Burberry and all the pretty, pretty things. Le sigh.



Maybe later today I will post some photos from Manhattan as I have yet to do that because I suck at life. Neat!

TO DA MOON!

to be completed with the rest of the world

After watching King Kong I have reminded myself why I should never, under any circumstances, watch any movie with dinosaurs in it around any living soul. Ohh god, I screamed and clapped my hands like a small child with autisism . . . there also may or may not have been raptor noises involved. le sigh, NERD!

Today was awesomeness abounds, namely, because I went out and got my school supplies for the rapidly approaching school semester. There is something about purchasing my color coded coil notebooks that fill my heart with glee . . . pathetic indeed. Ohhh Hilroy, I love you and your capacity to meet all my academic needs. Je t'aime. When you're a shut in you take the greatest joy in the smallest of things . . . jealous!

i'm a lumberjack and that's okay

Bleh, I am so retchedly bored and lonely right now. Namely, because the mombles is out of town so there is a lack of persons to torment in the house. I'm so lame it hurts my small intestine like fuck! Ohhh self-pitying mode abounds!

To pretend like I am rockstar awesome cool I am going to have a glass of wine whilest watching King Kong and talk to myself in a British accent that sounds suspiciously like John Cleese. Because he is awesome and it'll make me sound all sophisicated like. Oh ho ho! Jealous!



Why yes. Yes I did put on my sunglasses to make me feel more rockstar . . . ohhh snap!

futon woman!

Ohhh my brothers there is the most amazingest thunderstorm raging about outside. So to fully enjoy this Christmas Day miracle I am soon off to my deck to sit and watch the storm whilest listening to The Doors or Pink Floyd on real low and gentle and whatevs. It'll be awesome . . . that is until my ADHD kicks in and then I'll retire inside to watch THE MUTHAFUCKING EXORCIST ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE! It will be awesome because a major case of the wiggins is the new black. Ha! Jealous!

Also the other day out and about with the Smeltrex and her boy, Lava, I happened to taken the most awesome emo Myspace photo of myself EVAH!! Katrina prepare yourself for your head to explode!!

pysanka? more like lamesanka!

This last week has been one of joy and splender! My two most favoritest things!! Firstly, I finished off my time in New York with fun and goodtimes . . . namely, I saw a little thing called the French Kicks at the Bowery Ballroom. Ohhh j'aime French Kicks . . . excuse me whilest I swoon. The rest of the time in the Big Apple was spent with my little compatriots, Jamez and Cindy Loo. Fun and goodtimes abounds!

I returned Wednesday to my blessed Edmonton, a bipolar kitty and an disinterested dog and all the normallities of the life of me. It feels bizarre to have been doing crazy things for three weeks and then return right back to the grind . . . where was my gradual rehabilitation to real life bits or whatevs?! Although to make me feel less with the fish-out-of-water bit, my friends took me to Vegreville on Saturday. Upon which they proceeded to get me drunk by noon and then took me by the giant egg . . . lude comments were made regarding the pysanka. I was an asshole tourist, it brought me back to better times. That and I got to eat caramel apples under tractors to pass the time!! Ha! Jealous!



Also I did this yesterday!! SHABAMM!!!



Now I can look artistic and moody like all the time!! All the muthafucking time I say! Neat!

incurring the old lady wrath

So last night I was a total rage-aholic at this poor Welsh bloke. His snoring sounded like a drunk rhinosaurus with imploded innerds was struggling to cling onto its fading life . . . essentially it was deeply annoying and wanted nothing more than for him to sod off and die! Everytime the poor bastard would disrupt my sleep (through my blessed ear plugs) I would get up and shake him until he woke up and then proceeded to shoot lazerbeams out of my eyes. I did this every half an hour with no avail. le sigh. I am exhausted and bitter and resentful and what not.

Basically I want to destroy all things that are snoring and noisy beasts when I am trying to sleep because I am old and sleep is one of my greatest joys.

Today I plan on thrift shopping across Manhattan . . . apparently right near by my hostel there are some really nifty thift shops of which I will become the best of friends with and we will live happily evah after. Sorry schmeltie that means you are out because fashion has no muthafucking mercy!!

I am off for good times and adventure!! Take care all my little poppets!

prime minister is another term for colonial domination

Ohhh my goodness the last week in New York has been a bloody gong show!! I have made some crazy little hostel buddies, of which, are the source of all things trouble and fun-like or whatevs.

Basically, I have spent the last few days doing small touristy things in the morning followed by some serious shopping to get the cheesy taste of tourism off of my palate. Cursed Sephora!! I have spent so much there and I have only been here for one week! The shopping is then met up with some dinner and drinks with my hostel friends . . . the British combined with Canadians is a fine fit for a good evening. It's especially awesome when they can use the awesome powers of a posh accent to wrangle us free drinks and in the case of last night a free ride in a limo to a club in the Meatpacking District!! HOLIPISS!!

Last night was quite possibly the most bizarre evening as Katrina ended up chatting up some random guys on a patio which promptly lead to him calling his limo to give us a ride to a club on the opposite end of town . . . I looked like a total banshee freak when the car actually pulled up!! Ohhh my, indeed! Following that was some drunken goodtimes discussing the colonial aspects of Canadian culture and politics and whatevs . . . ohhh NERDS!

Peace out my little homeslices!

walking with a swagger

Hallo my brothers!! I am currently posting from the GREAT BEYOND . . . that or New York City or whatevs. Ohhh my, I love it here so much it makes my heart explode with glee and my intestines gush nothing but love.

The flight here was a bloody gong show as I am a pent-up banshee who sobbed like a small child upon saying farewell to my mother . . . there was mockery via the airline staff. Neat! However I managed to survive the flight despite horrifying visions of snakes on the plane! MUTHAFUCKER! The greatest part about arriving is the discovering that humidity is the devil, and therefore by default, all things to do with the subway and it's delicious AC is wonderful and radtacular.

Last night was also awash with goodtimes and grossness . . . a seemingly intimate pair in Manhattan. I went with a crazy Danish lady from the hostel to a rap festival down by the Brooklyn Bridge . . . ohh yes it was fun and goodtimes abounds! Namely, because the band was the Sugar Hill Cult of the rapping grandma in the Wedding Singer fame. It was friggin' awesome! After the concert and plenty of beer, Mei and I walked across to the pier to the Bodies exhibit which is the producer of the wiggins and all things creepy-like . . . so many bodies in a small, small space. It was interesting/vomit inducing. Naturally, of course, despite it being an exhibit of sheer creepiness it didn't stop me from laughing like a banshee when I noticed that the penis of one of the bodies was missing . . . ohhh social awkwardness bless your soul.

Anyways friends and Romans, I am off to seek adventure or perhaps some nice Channa Masala.

TO DA MOON!

take my friendship gold

I feel like Goro, of Mortal Kombat fame, has ripped out my spine, slammed it repeatedly against the wall and then put it back into my body.

Basically, I desperately want more pain meds for my crippled spine, and more so, I really want to be playing some bloody Mortal Kombat II . . . which, let's be honest here was the greatest of all!! Namely, because I had discovered an awesome attack with the purple fan-blade chick that practically let me destroy the muthafucking world! Ohhhh NERD!

Despite my literal lameness I am looking forward to the next following days because I get to hang out with my favoritest of brothers: le b and the grand schmeltrex. Also since espresso is involved I will be the happiest of girls . . . my grin will split the coast in half. Also on the list of happy things is the fact in exactly one week I will be on my way to New York!! Ohhh ho ho urban bliss!! Unfortunetely that leaves me with a week to figure out which CDs are vital to my happiness for three weeks . . . it is pretty sad that my greatest stress about leaving revolves around compiling my music collection into 3 weeks worth of awesomeness. Ummm so far I've determined I need all things Matthew Good, The Velvet Underground and The Flaming Lips . . . after that it's all jumbled-like and difficult and whatevs.

My babysssssss I loves them all!!!

scowling from the darkest corner

Ohhh it is a time of sheer glee! GLEE I SAY!! Everything has come together to formulate the most perfectly radtacular evening . . . namely, C.R.A.Z.Y. finally came out on DVD, of which, I now righteously have in my possession. Oh yes, it's French Canadian cinema at it's finest! I command everyone to watch it or suffer my wrath. THAT or maybe I'll just paint my face up all Bowie-like and scowl at you from the darkest of corners . . . picture it: the mullet, the lightening bolt, the horror.

Also I have found a 7-11 that carries banana slurpees which tastes like a liquid banana medicine fantasy come true (of which I have several). So now I shall commence my liquid sugar banana slurpee diet . . . it will either kill me or make me a God. I'll hoping for the latter.



I look like a pile of white-trash retardation . . . AWESOME!!!

Je regret.

sitting in the parking lot

Awesome!! Just plain awesomeness!! A documentary is on right now about Hitler's final days in the bunker . . . ohhh soo fascinating. Naturally, I've read the accounts of the last days within the bunker but this has film! RANDOM FILM STOCK WITH NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL TOPIC!!!! "Look that guy said something about a tree!! Cue random war film stock with a tree in it!" Oh ho ho, World War II film stock, you crazy old bastard, je t'aime.

. . . it's a good thing school is starting quasi-soon as I am desperately in need for excuses to read books about Hitler and Stalin. For some reason or another people look at you like you're one sick muthafucker when you leisurely read books about dictators. World War II is the hostess with the mostest, okay?!!?! Currently, I have a Stalin biography calling out my name from my bookshelf . . . it tells me in a thick Georgian accent that it is full of interesting facts about the crazy little bugger and whispers sweet drunken paranoid nothings in my ear.

le sigh, I apparently need to get a life. I think that maybe people should email me [chelsaurusrex@hotmail.com] because I am bored, of which, I shall respond with witty banter or rap songs or dead baby jokes or whatevs. Ohhh snap, I'm bored.