I always wanted to be an oompa loompa but orange was never my color.

opa!

So I haven't been posting much because I haven't been going out much. Work is currently owning my tired ass . . . seriously, I sleep for a few hours, work for many hours and then come home and crash for the remaining bit of the day. Isn't summer supposed to be for fun and goodtimes? Or at least the occasional fun and few goodtimes. DANG!

Tonight was actually a night of greatness. Me and mombles hit up the new restaurant in town, a tavern of greek goodness. I cannot put into words my love of greek food, I think it's all the cheese. Holy motherfuck! Those people do up cheese like no other!

Even though the food was of epically great awesomeness, the even better part was the cheesiness of the restaurant its self. Prepare yourself my brothers . . . there was a belly dancer!! Oh ho ho and the only thing to make it better is the fact that she kept getting the kids to dance. Honestly, it was just hilarious creepy fun! The kids would move like awkward robots having seizures . . . it was almost unbearable to watch, like witnessing a car crash with strippers in one car and clowns in the others. How can you not watch?! I ask you, how?

Anyways, writing has filled the precious few hours before sleeping reigns supreme followed by more working. There is a mountain of nasty paperwork awaiting me and I shall be joyfully be filing in bloaty bliss from all salty cheese I have consumed tonight.

So my internet is alive and well. Good times abounds!

It's been gloomy in the city lately. By gloomy I mean the weather completely sucks hairy donkey balls. It's cold, windy and bloody nasty outside, so to avoid the nastiness of the outdoors I have been leaving the life of a shut-in. I refuse of go outside unless it's for coffee and to replenish the movie stock. I've also been watching an obscene amount of Montel . . . ohh yes, Montel, my brothers. Some crazy woman thinks her doll, Giggles, is crying and it's a sign from her mother . . . Giggles is just creepy not possessed with mother's spirit.

Am I the only one who thinks that when twins date other twins it's just fucking creepy?! Oh look Troy and Roy found love with Cherry and Terry . . . it's just plain weird.

ragu is one mean mutha

Hallo my brothers, my internet is currently down. The whole sodding network crashed and I am left sullen and alone without a website to browse . . . pathetic, but I really feel deprived. Me and my first world problems.

Till this issue is resolved, my site will temporary be on hold. I'll miss you my brothers.

Peace out comrades!

shocking opposites in love

"I'm Fruity the rappin' granny
Crazy old bag with the rock hard fanny!
I'm cute and sexy as can be,
And all the men are just wild about me."

. . . Maury is just gross.

a taste of pathetic awesomeness!

So I had to dump the Al Pacino film night in favour of an Asian cinema night which was originally going to be an Iranian cinema courtesy of Kiarostami. I'm so fucking beyond indecisive today. My indecision was mostly due to the fact that there is no where in the Park in which one can find any good foreign freaking films . . . I'm only met with sadness at the lack of anything subtitled and non-Hollywood. I want me some Kiarostami DAMMIT!

Fortunetely, my Asian cinema has only proven to delight! Currently I am chillaxin (oh I am so bloody lame for even uttering that phrase) to The Beijing Bicycle which is rather similar in plot to The Bicycle Thief; therefore, it is only destined to rock. The greatest moment was when there was witty little reference to Zhang Yimou . . . I am doomed to be one of the few who laughs like an idiot to the offhand comment. It's utterly pathetic.

Nerdiness aside, I have some pocky to eat and some films to watch. God speed.

the shut-in miss chelsey

I just finished watching The Talented Mr. Ripley, which was all good and proper as a psychological thiller should be. I'm trying to make good of my promise to myself to fill every waking second with films . . . it really is a nerdy obsession. So far I would like to think that I am doing quite smashingly!! Pathetic, true, but soon my brothers you will be green with envy when I can claim the thrown of movie nerd extraordinaire! I shall begin the preparation of the crown . . . it shall be constructed of tinfoil (much akin to Duffy, my lifesized tin foiled astronaut) and many a red glitter hot glue goodness.

Unfortunetely, by liking this movie it throws a wench in my packed nerd schedule. When I had originally viewed this movie I had completely loathed it . . . I did not account for this turn of events. Now how many films did I dismiss due to a previous distaste for it?! Oh it's going to freaking rape the carefully crafted list . . . stupid liking of a film.

A while back I decided to structure my viewings and therefore maintaining the intregrity of the film era being viewed. . . now to account for this change of events, I'm going to have to begin theme nights to cram it all in. Tomorrow shall begin the Al Pacino night, good things like Godfather Part I, Scarface and Serpico!! WOOT! Al Pacino at his sexiest . . . now he's old and creepy, and extremely lacking the Mick Jagger old man fuck power; he's just raspy and saggy. But then there was Godfather I and the amazing hotness of.

It's exhausting being an uber-nerd.

. . . these ones appear to be juice themed!

god freaking dammit!! I just watched the Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou . . . I am fucking green, green with freaking envy. Maybe I'm strange for having this dream but I truly wish everyone I know had some insane talent when it comes to film, then we could be like Wes Anderson et al. Think of it!! Schmel could be the best boy grip (as she is aware that is the most coolest title EVAH), and the gang could form a strange and quirky composite of cinematographers, artists, the occasional actor and a whole army of writers. Even my lame brother could be something amazing like design the flag or swab the deck of the studio every second Tuesday.

Having seen yet more evidence of the advantages of choosing ones friends wisely and the dismissing the weak and untalented, I have reached the conclusion that all friends shall screened for talents in film. It's fucking genius.

. . . you think I'm kidding don't you?! FOOL!!! I am not one to triffled with, there will be screening process. Hence I am placing a casting call to all wonder boys and girls out there. There are requirements, these include but are not limited to: the capacity to hatch elaborate stratagems to gain wealth in which to create artistic pieces of awesomeness, a sense of comedic timing with flop sweat, a willingness to indulge my insanity, and finally, under no circumstances have they been a member of Thailand's My Little Pony fan club (as that is my territory and I would be extremely enraged over the infringment of my retarded Thai retreat). Oh it has been dark times for cinema but fret no longer!! The Magic Wonder Kids Cinematophilic Association (the offical title) or The Philos are here to bring the greatest film revolution. It will be the new new wave . . . that's frickin' AWESOME!

Oh ho ho!! I have a freaking dream my friends!! DO I EVER!

run you magnificent bastards!

I am a computer whiz!! I am so the freakin man behind the curtain of computer crappiness . . . that or I just stopped being beyond retarded and defraged my computer. Ahh yess sweet nerd talk. I pretend like I know what the deuce I am talking about but really I am a failure at the nerdness; preference to beknown as a geek.

Is it wrong that I am watching "Las Vegas Cops: Soliciting Prostitutes" and finding it funny? Maybe it's that work has completely rotted my brain and now my spare time is spent drooling and staring at the pretty flashing images on my television. Whatevs, I know you are jealous of my amazing cool.

Tonight I figure I should stop being such a hopeless case and perhaps go outside. Earlier today it looked like a thunderstorm is a-brewing. NEAT!!! I heart thunderstorms with the bright lights and the loud, loud noises!! Me thinks the bright lights are like little seizures of fun . . . tis pathetic.

Great things await me mon freres and therefore I am off!! GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE BE DAMNED!!!

can computers have mono?

hallo my brothers. I am currently experiencing severe slow computer syndrome. I do not comprehend this strange, strange occurance. If there are any psychic computer healers out there . . . do your thing my friend.

Hence forth until my computer's mono is repaired, I regret to inform you that I shall be avoiding all things computer related, including blogging. I'm not willing to wait 10 minutes for the blogger post page to load - I have sewing to do. I promise to return with good things like pictures and some awesomely embrassing stories of my clumsy ass.

a sweat shop of one

oh my brothers, an amazing eve was just had. I just finished sewing my very first purse . . . actually I just finished sewing my very first anything. Me and that ancient thing my mother calls a sewing machine are now the very best of friends. I shall call it Phasoom the Magnificent (that being the general sound it makes when one stomps on the pedal).

So as of late I have been completely consumed with a desire to do many a great crafty things. I have settled on developing purses and skirts to satisfy my constant need for them. As I began the first of many stitches, I thought to myself in utter glee, "this is it". Dang it, this is so it!! Je adore le sewing and the product of. Or le product, I suppose.

So I am now the proud designer, manufacter and owner of a fabulous brown canvas messenger bag with red stitching for extra hotness. To complete the fruit of my loom I just need to get me some black and white fabric to add the necessary panda to raise it to full scale coolness. Along with Ragu, my panda, it'll be complete with the lamest phrase known to man, along the lines of "pandas are the shit" or "ragu is one mean mutha". I'll suss it out tomorrow.

Oh I heart Phasoom the Magnificent. . . me thinks this is the beginning of what could be a long and meaningful relationship.

This is the feeling of utter glee!!

**NOTE: Please disregard any painful spelling errors as it is early in the 'morn and I am one sleepy bitch.

embrace your innner mario

I have returned from my night of debotchery. It was pretty much awesome as I was drunkedy drunk. I discovered the most amazing drink last night: an espresso martini! HOLYPISS!!! What genius came up with that drink?! Irish creme, vodka and espresso . . . and if the bar we went to didn't suck so hard at making martinis, I'm sure it'll be beyond amazing.

Now to cure the post drinking rumblings in my stomach I am off to devour an obscene amount of kraft dinner. I heart that cheesy goodness.

damn you meddling kids!!

So my bloody neighbours are having a party . . . yet another one. Their parents are getting divorce and the mother is going through through that fun filled overindulgate phase. Lady, your kids are fucking 18 years old, kick the little shits out and tell them to get over it! Dang it! If that doesn't work, they are never to old to take over the knee and wail on them.

I give them another half an hour and then I'm chasing those fricking kids with the goddamn rake. Just call me Old Man Withers.

the mighty return of my photo cord!

So today was a day of fun and goodtimes. Me and tony hit up Whyte Ave gangsta style . . . which means we looked and mishandled everything but basically bought nothing. I did happen to purchase a fantabulous ichy old woman sweater for $3.50. It was a regular christmas day miracle! That and couple amazing buttons at nokomis and a CD.

The blow-by-blow account:

Let me begin by declaring my love of Whyte Ave. I heart Whyte as it is the only place in Edmonton that doesn't make me feel like I am in smelly Edmonton and the suckiness of. So to ensure the trip was approperiately decorated, I put on some good old The Velvet Underground and enjoyed that fine, fine music.

The weather was actually rather brilliant, and so the strutting began down the strip. We hit up many a shop . . . several of which were shoe shops! I found a pair of Vans with this amazing argyll pattern which was beyond drool worthy. I will be back my sweets. This was followed by a brilliant visit to Junque Cellar, were vintage goes to die in an overpriced fashion. It's been open for 12 years, an amazing feat given the prices and the amazing world of crap they carry (see creepy soul-piercing dolls above).

After breezing through several more shops, me and tony decided that nachos and margaritas were a necessity. I love that Whyte Ave manages to provide constant amusement as the people wander by. I remained fixated on shoes as I lamented over those bloody Vans. Even now I feel a longing in my heart to possess those shoes . . . in fact, come pay day those and some new Cons will be mine!!! I like this new plan a lot.

As the nacho fun continued, tony, being the brilliant wordsmith that she is, uttered the phrase "wow, you really sucked back that pina". Needless to say, it completely ruined my pina colada as I couldn't contain the disgusted giggles everytime I went for a sip. Yes tony, I loves me the pina . . . fucker.

Anyways, this is bordering on way to long winded so to make it short: crack lady wandered by, it was odd as she is typically yelling at me as I walk by on 99 st, she was completely out of place. Wiggins ensued. Trip to nokomis, funtimes as I am an uberclutz and knocked over everything in sight. I am now determined to learn how to sew so I don't have to pay $100 dollars for a retarded purse. Explosion on Sherwood Park freeway. Had to find new exciting ways home through the ghetto. Awesome fun.

do you know your chicken?

I have determined that today will be spent rocking out to lame music I loved in the late '90s. To ensure a good white trash time has been had, I intend to perform the rocking out in wife beater and jeans. I already have the greasy look of awesomeness down . . . oh I will rule the day!!!

. . . that is until I have to go to work and it crushes my spirit. It always does.

dang it

Basically, this post would have been accented by a fabulously retarded photo of absolutely nothing important, but alas, my camera cord is still hating me.

I am not comforted by the fact that I am also a postal idiot. Slowly I will develop the habit of touching everything three times. If I fail to do so I will go into fetal position and DIE!! I have spent the last couple of hours obsessing over everything in the store. Paranoia has run rampant in my head. I managed to quiet the fear of fucking everything up until I got to the deposit. Holypiss, the deposit!!! I have become obsessed with the notion that I failed to put it in the safe (which I'm fairly certain I did but in my head its sitting on the counter, ripe for the taking by masked ninjas). Until tomorrow morning I am forever doomed to be dwelling on the deposit issue. It shall be a night of fun and goodtimes.

your baby is inside of me, giraffe!!

oh ho ho, I am back and less of a gross monster.

In my quest of not being such a complete posting lameo suckass, I shall attempt to revive some amazing events of the week. This is my heart, my friends. My heart.

On Thursday, after exams, I went drinking with my class and Perch Boy. It was fun except for the fact that everytime I looked in his general direction, his eyebrows, perched above his protruding eyes of grossiness, would waggle at light speed. No, Perch Boy, I do not find your eyebrow waggling sexy nor does it make me want to have anything to do with you. In the continuing the creepiness of one said Perch Boy, he would stare with intensity whenever I talked to anyone cooler than him . . . that was anyone present in Dewie's (including Trekie Boy who kept screaming 'SPRING BREAK '03!! WHOOOOOOO!!).

Sadly, the rest of the week I spent in bitter resentment towards anything and everything . . . especially towards my photo cord which decided to run away from home. Did I not treat you right my cord? Were you beaten or mistreated? . . . come home. I miss you.

Which brings us to the present day:

What an awesome day for shoes!!! I heart shoes! I have been known as a sneaker whore for many a year and now I have added to my stinky collection of greatness. The most amazing pair has VELCRO!!! I have determined that this will forever be known as the year of velcro. I mean, really, velcro is convenant and the noise is amazingly sexy. It's like the sound of baby seals and the clubbing ( . . . sodding enviro ed has ingrained a sound in my head that I never wished to hear. 'tis all the details one would require.) Anyways, my new sneakers are nifty.

Oh but my shopping adventure was far from over!! It was only after I satisfied my sneaker fetish that I came across amazing shoes numbro two! Numbro two were amazing ballerina slippers of amazing greatness . . . how much can one girl talk about her shoes you may ask?! The answer is till infinity!!! or right now, because this post went to lameness about forever ago.