dear customers

I have decided to remove this post . . . namely, because it sucked ass.

I regret to inform you my brothers, but I require a small hiatus from having to think in a sensical way. Writing and thinking (and most especially working the two together) are one mean team of muthafucking pain in my frontal lobe right now. I'm the queen of lame with my Lindsay sodding Lohan exhaustion.

I'll be back in a few days or a week . . . whatevs. Godspeed mon freres.

arrr matey

I just made myself the biggest muthafucker of a salad. I feel like I have scurvy . . . not that I know what scurvy feels like, but of all the retarded illnesses to get I think scurvy would be my most favoritest.

I had a really stupid friend who had scurvy once. Actually, he had it three times. The guy was a bloody moron, my favorite part of it all was that he was surprised everytime it happened. Although, it's pretty cool to be 'that dude with scurvy', no one else has that nickname . . . he was friggin infamous around town. So my brothers, it's salad time followed by a delicious blend of pine needle tea to stop the discoloration of my limbs. Neat!

the luckiest one of all

They found a puppy with six legs and two penises! Wow! SIX LEGS!

ragu and i are forming a stratagem for world domination

Since I posted last night I have been completely consumed with wanting to run out outside and scream like a banshee as I proceed to vandalize the property of my fellow neighbours . . . because screaming like a banshee won't draw any attention to the fact that I'm hold a spray can, it's simple logic my brothers. I just so excited to actually feel artistic again! I blame photography which has become my full-time hobby, I can't leave the house without my camera as it makes me feel uncomfortable in all sorts of awkward/fun ways.

Since I have become a totaly slave to my camera, I have noticed the details of the places and faces around me with a sudden intensity. It is impossible for me to go for a walk without finding a bazillion things to photograph. It's exciting to stumble around outside and find the art in everything . . . the angles, the colors, or just general awesomeness. Oh ho ho my brothers, I am so thrilled right now. I am off to rule the day with my camera!!

capricorn on the cusp of lame

a late night tale of greatness

Oh wow, I almost forgot how awesome late-night walks are . . . it's bloody amazing! They always make me feel alive and also just completely creepy, which I love!! This particular walk was definately on the 'Top Ten Walks of All Time' list of which I have just randomly compiled. Not only was it a perfect night for a walk, it was cool but not chilly, but also I had selected the most amazing music to walk by, The Flaming Lips - Late Night Tales. Neat!

I have the best ideas when I am on my midnight jaunts. This one was particularly productive . . . of course, my great ideas only mean trouble but oh my brothers I am exicted for these ones.

Awesomeness numbro 1: I have been developing a strange obsession with graffiti as of late. Since I have fled the sciences in bloody terror, I have become more consumed with the arts . . . I'll take any art-like thing I can get my greedily little orbs on. I happen to love graffiti, I think it's fantastic and amazing in every way! While walking I have decided that I want to indulge in the neato art of vandalism. I will embrace the call of spray paint and stencils (because I am a wimp with an unsteady hand). My only plan for my new art will be the requirement of it being awesomely lame, like a pink unicorn with the words 'origin of awesomeness' scrawled beside it. It'll be one mean mutha of a stencil.

Awesomeness numbro 2: This one is a secret for now . . . just know that the name I am playing with is 'The Urban Landscapes Project' (assuming there isn't already a project of one such name) and will include prostitutes and many other great things. More to follow on this one my brothers.

Godspeed homeslices!

adventures with hithero

Ohh today is going to be a day of greatness. I shall spend the entire day in a near vegetative state, only to leave when I hear the call of espresso, and then return to resume my veggy-like ways. I like eggplant . . . I intend to sit on the sofa and just concentrate on becoming one such vegetable. Purple is a smashing color to bring out the green of my eyes.

I have developed the most pathetic habit of awesomeness as of late. I am so eager to indulge in the internet that when my alarm goes off to ring in the morning, I greedily grope at my laptop as I wipe the sleep out of my eyes. It's sad really, it's the first thing on my mind. I read through all my favorite blog haunts and then preceed to read the news and worldy happenings. It's has gotten to the point that I am almost excited to be awake because surely in the few hours I am alseep someone has posted something amazing. The sky is literally falling in the Prairies and we are doomed to be consumed by the North Saskatchewan River, and I am pathetically consumed by the internet and the greatness of. Neat!

squee for daddy

Hallo my brothers. I seriously have a big lack of nothing to say so I'll point in the direction of Tony and Raymi because they are blogging gods.

Enjoy my friends. Enjoy.

"ticketmaster is gay. assraping iraqi kids is gay. covering it up is impeachable."
-Tony Pierce

 

henrique and i

Ahh yes, the greatest cure-all for all your sorrows is alcohol mon freres. I just returned from the bar with a happy buzz. Not only have I embraced alcoholism but I am nuturing and developing my addiction. I want it to be something great . . . perhaps something the neighbours will talk about in hushed tones over their chain-link fences. I picture my little alcoholic habit as a swarmy used car salesman named Henrique . . . really he only wants the best for me (or so he shall say). When I am down or feeling blue he shall whisper sweet, swarmy nothings in my ear of all things related to rum. Whisper whissssssssssppppppppperrrrrrrr.

prepare to meet your doom and destruction

Holypiss! I am in a world of a bad mood today. Fuckity Fuck. The one person I really want to talk to isn't speaking to me and being quite obviously shafty. I just want to throw things at random strangers . . . sharp and unbouncy objects. Just down the street all the sidewalks were repaved today and are currently vunerable to my wrath-filled vandalism. I think I'll draw a giant mutant cow face or something retarded to spite everyone in my neighbourhood. I'm bored and I need espresso, so I am off to grumble into the night.

razmataz

Watch me dazzle you with my vastly retarded knowledge!! Hitler was a vegetarian! Neat!

. . . what a waste of a post.

frozen and meat-free

It's yet another dreary day of overcast nastiness . . . silly of me, thinking it was summer and all. To remedy the general feeling of gross this day has produced, I am fleeing to the nearest house of the caffiene and drowning myself in espresso.

Following the caffienated fun times, I intend to drive to Vegas with the windows down and the desert air blowing through my hair. Unfortunetely, I'll be so hopped up on espresso that 5 minutes into the drive to Sin City I will plow into an iHop killing 3 truckers instantly . . . their deaths will be quick, have no fear. I have no intention of remaining at the site of the crash and therefore will flee into the night. It'll be the shit urban legands are made of.

"Then the crazy espresso demon ran into the night, howling like a monkey. To this day you can hear her screams in the forest near that cursed iHop. Just when you think she has disappeared into the night having had her coffee fix, that's when you hear gentle bubbling of the Mr. Coffee perking. It's the last sound you will ever hear . . . "

Needless to say, I'll eat their brains, zombie style!

greatness abounds

oh ho ho my brothers, this is a nerd post if ever there was one! Consider yourself warned.

I am so excited, beyond excited, in fact. It's one of those excitments that make you grin like a fool for hours on end and you only snap out of it when you realize your cheeks hurt and that happy grin has turned into a grimace of muscley pain. It's finally happened my friends!! They released "The Dictators: Hitler's Germany, Stalin's Russia" on paperback!! HOLYPISS!! I have been eyeing this book for months on end . . . it was nearing my year anniversary of patheticness with this book. I would go into the bookstore pick it up and just walk with it hoping someone would mistake the ownership as my own. The expense of such a book was the only thing keeping us apart. I was a poor student and it was a crazy overpriced hardcover.

It was beautiful, it was a huge black book with the word "Dictators" emblazoned in flaming red letters. The cover had profiles of Hitler and Stalin looking off into the distance like those cheesy grad photos were you look all dewy-eyed and hopeful. It was amazing, a regular Christmas day miracle! Richard Overy, you magnificent bastard, thank you my friend.

awesome indeed

an intervention of cool

So over the past couple of days I have watched Zhang Yimou's Hero about fifty bazillion times. I am just amazed with his sense of color and movement . . . it just warms a nerds heart. Really, it was beautiful and fantastic despite the dialogue leaving something to be imagined (but who can say what was lost in the translation).

Basically, my father told my I was lame shut-in yesterday and so ensued project eureka, in which, I have forced myself to re-enter the smelly world of bright, bright lights . . . thinking of it, the whole watching of Hero so many times shows the true success of the project!! Oh ho ho! At least I had to leave the house to rent it, a minor success. I do plan to indulge in alcoholism later in the week, that'll get me out of the house. Just keep all perch and fish-like people away from me or trouble ensues. I happen to attract the fish . . . nothing good will come of it.

God speed mon freres.

the lamest of the lame

The Mombles just cut up some cantalope, it smells amazing! Unfortunetely, I cannot have any because of that sodding 'Alive' film about the plane crash and the delicious cannibalism and what not. I happened to be eating cold cantalope while watching the movie, what made it awesome was that I took a bite during the feast of the fallen comrades . . . needless to say, associations were made and grossness was had. My melon has been sullied forevah! DANG!

Read this. Enjoy the beauty.

schnecke: a delicious german pastry of spelling doom

Oh my brothers, my evening has just been made!! It's the national spelling bee tonight . . . I cannot express my nerdy love of the spelling bee. It's friggin intense!! As an added bonus to this year's competetion, is the lack of the annoying Jamaician chick who always stalled and then stalled some more. Plus, she keep saying 'thank you ma'am' after she was finished stalling, and proceded to stall some more.

It's like a weird little nerd parade with pale children who have been locked in their bedroom with the dictionary. How can you not love pale nerds?! I'm rooting for Samir Sudhir Patel because he is one cocky little muthafucker. He's like a little word machine! Also, I am totally in love with the voice guy, what a sexy monotone drawl. Nobody can say ornithorhynchous like he can!

I really hope somebody gets beefalo because I will giggle like a jackasss.

ragu will be my sidekick

Welcome to Loserville. Population: well it's not just me, there's plenty, but for the sake of self pity we'll say 1. So I got called into work on my sodding day off. Neat! Then some awesome lady decided to keep me a half an hour late so I can't bloody well close the store. Thank you, my friend, I did have fantastically lame plans to watch the bats at sunset at my keen secret hangout, but now I missed the sunset. It was freaking fushia tonight. Fushia and I missed it all. On the brightside, I do have a secret hideout!! HOW SUPERHERO IS THAT?! It's pretty freaking superheroish my brothers. My superpower will be fantastical lameness; my name will be Big Larry, protecting the lameos everywhere. Everyone will say that Big Larry is one mean muthafucka.

 

sometimes i wish so hard to be a pirate, i can feel my leg turn into pine

I really love my clothes when I don't look at them. I mean, I practically want to hug some of my little gems in my wardrobe but resist the urge as I figure that takes me one step closer to crazyland. But there's always a problem when I look at them. It's that little tag on the collar, that little tag that is emblazoned with the phrase "MADE IN CAMBODIA". Hallo wallowing guilt. I just went shopping today and now I am feeling completely at odds with new purchases. Made in Cambodia by tired tiny hands of hungry children . . . it makes me feel like ass.

I was debating how crappy I feel on the way to rent a movie. As luck would have it, once I arrived at movie house, I watched a gaggle of seagulls ward off a single determined crow over a piece of sullen pizza. It was fun and goodtimes abounds. That muthafucker was beyond willing to get his ass kicked for a sweet piece of that far out sound. I watched till I got bored and went home.

. . . I just realized something. Reading over a couple of my past blog entries it has occurred to me that I loathe non-academic me. Seriously, my storytelling capacities and general sentence structure have gone straight to pot . . . I wants me school back. Pathetic.

death to cantalope girl

Holypiss! I have realized that I hate everything that is younger than me. Me and The Mombles decided to hit up the moving pictures tonight only to be harrassed by preteens throughout. Fuck!! What the shit is so sodding important that you must garble on throughout the entire movie . . . yes I'm talking to you chubby chick in the third row with the worst fucking unportioned body ever!! It was like a sodding cantalope on a freaking toothpick and she would constantly find another inane detail to ramble on with to her friends throughout the entire film. HELLO RANTING!!! I kept telling The Mother to show her the swift rule of law with the back of her hand but she refused. So chubby cantalope girl, if I ever see you on the street you best fucking run because ima shank ya!

Yea nice a refreshing rant . . . brilliant. On to the rest of my evening.

I have finally embraced the idea that I am an autistic jerk. As I was driving to pick up my most favoritest meal, late-night sushi, a lowly mosquito wandered into my motor vehicle. To some this would be met with the an unreserved slap into the window and no more. Did I handle it with such an eloquent and approperiate attitude? Hell no! I preceded to scream "west nile, west nile" and flail my limbs like a total nancy boy (or girl as it were). Needless to say the gent in the car next to me had a really great expression on his face like constipation mixed with a bit of self-reflection. I'm an idiot. Neat!